Grief, a series (pt.1)

I’ve decided that I will not be ruined this summer.

I’ve decided that I will not be jekyllhyded by grief

That I will not hide hurt from myself

out of fear

I look forward to going there.

I look forward.

I’ve decided,

I look forward to the time

letting sadness and longing

reel out of me

through my back

and into the floor.

I’ve decided to choreograph my own grief dance

I’ve decided to spend my time

(this time)

believing that healing is possible without being swallowed.

Without emerging,

by cutting myself triumphantly out of the belly of a great whale

after lingering in the darkness there.

I have decided.

That it does not have to be wholeconsuming

 to be real.

I have decided.

I can stop when it hurts too much.

Fold the corner of the page,

and return to it when I’m ready.

I have already decided.

I will not be broken in half this summer.

It’s too late to grieve the old way,

by way of being eatenalive.

Of ignoring the bleeding out.

Of becoming nothing

until I can’t taste my food.

I have decided.

to laugh at the audacity of humidity.

To let my anxious stomach

fall out of my butt

when it drops,

If it dares.

To love.

I have decided to love.

(in the present).

I have decided.

I can be healed by the medicine

spun by my own fingers

for the top of my own head.

I have decided.

that I am still curious

about joy

in the deep mist of griefjunglefloor.

I have decided.

In my own image.

I can dance with two lovers.

Laughing and crying.

With both feet

taking turns

then together

off of the ground.